


Reminiscing

by ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry



Series: We Made It [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Avengers (2012), M/M, Mostly flashbacks, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Stucky - Freeform, confusing plot, filler??, not that important to the story, we made it series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-12
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-16 20:27:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28712760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry/pseuds/ionlyreadgayfanfictionsorry
Summary: {Book 2 of the "We Made It" series and takes place immediately after the events of the Avengers movie}After the Barnes twins are back together, Jemma is given a chance away. She takes it to find Steve again, but how long can she really stay with him?-all characters belong to Marvel Comics-
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: We Made It [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101971
Kudos: 3





	1. Introduction

"  
sometimes you will never know how important a   
moment  
is  
until it becomes a  
memory.  
"

This story is written by me, but all Marvel characters belong to their original characters. I am in no way attempting to take their work. This is a work of fiction only.

Jemma Barnes is finally reunited with her twin brother, Bucky. Due to memory loss, she doesn't realize he's even related to the boy that goes on missions with her. When she takes the chance to escape to freedom, will she take it? If she does, how long will she stay gone before remembering she needs to stay with her brother. Following the first book of the "We Made It" series, we discover how hard it is for Jemma to be stuck in this mindset... Again.


	2. New York

The next part of this story happens years later. It had been decades since they first captured me. They had wiped my memory and then iced me until they needed a weapon again. At one point, they locked three of us in one room together, then iced us. It was right after we found out Captain America died. They seemed excited, but I paid no mind to it because I wasn't sure who that was. Sometimes when I wake up, someone will say something that will remind me of something else, but the memory's gone before I realize what's happening. I also see things that I don't ever remember, but they're like memories. One of these times included a lot of people I didn't know, but a few that felt familiar.

He had blue eyes and blonde hair. He was wearing a blue suit with a star on his chest. He was really close to a shorter guy who had dark hair. The dark-haired man looked calm, even though the taller one was yelling at him. The darker-haired man called him "Cap," and was, in return, called, "Stark." I had heard both names before, but couldn't remember where.

I looked around. There was a tall, muscular man with long, dirty blonde hair. He had some type of armor on, and appeared to be confused. There was a girl with red hair staring at them. This girl looks familiar, but I wasn't sure why. Her hair was short and she looked mad, or possibly annoyed? I turned again and saw another man. He was standing behind a table that had a weird scepter on it. He had dark eyes, and his hair was dark as well, but there was a hint of gray in it. There was a hint of stubble on his face. Behind him, in the window, I saw a green monster. I stepped away from everyone and toward the window, but as soon as I was in front of it, all I could see was myself. I stepped to the side and it was back. A reflection. But where was it coming from? I looked back at the man, but I didn't see anything green. I shook my head and turned back to the argument. 

"Why shouldn't a guy let off a little steam?" The shorter man put his hand on the other man's shoulder.

The man immediately hit the hand off of him. "You know damn well why." The voice was familiar. "Back off."

"I'm starting to want you to make me," the shorter one was nodding.

"Right." The man in the suit started to walk around him. "Big man in a suit of armor." He stopped walking and leaned in toward the shorter man. "Take that off, what are you?"

"Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist." I laughed into my hand, despite the clear tension in the room. I wasn't sure why the men were fighting, but it was definitely not a good thing. 

"I know guys with none of that worth ten of you." The look in his eyes made me falter. I stepped forward and saw a glint in his blue eyes. I remember who Cap was, the Captain America that supposedly died. Mister Steve Rogers himself. My brother's best friend. At that moment, I knew he was talking about Bucky. No one was worth more than Bucky in Steve's eyes, and I think I would've agreed a long time ago. Now, though? I wasn't sure. I didn't even remember my own memories, how would I remember theirs? I was pulled from my thoughts when the other man, who I had yet to identify, started speaking.

"I think I would just cut the wire." I had missed what Steve said to earn that reply, but by the determination on his face, I could tell it wasn't a compliment. Then, his upper lip twitched and he looked at everyone else. His eyes passed right over me, causing a pang in my chest. 

"Always a way out." He was smiling, but his eyes showed that he was still frustrated. "You know you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero."

"A hero? Like you?" By his tone, I could tell that he was being rude, which made me angry. Steve was a hero, he always had been. I bit my lip and glared, though I knew he couldn't see me why. He tilted his chin up for a quarter of a second. "You're a laboratory experiment, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle." I pictured Bucky's angry face. He wouldn't let anyone talk to Steve like this, because it wasn't true. Steve may have got his strength from the serum, but no serum could create the greatness that was Steve Rogers' heart. Bucky would be throwing punches by now, but I knew none of my actions would affect them, so I just clenched my fists and watched them argue.

Steve held back a smirk, but I saw his lips twitch again. "Put on the suit; let's go a few rounds." The tall, muscular man behind me chuckled, lightening my mood. I knew Steve would really fight this man. He was disrespectful, a bully, everything in a man that Steve despised, and Steve never backed down from a fight. 

"You people are so petty." The man was right. "And tiny." Compared to him? Yes, we were. Steve stopped arguing when the colored man with the eyepatch said something. I blocked his voice out and rubbed Steve's arm. How had I forgotten him? How had I forgotten Bucky? Then I gasped and woke up.

"Bucky is their new weapon," I was whispering to myself in a dark room. They had brought me out of the ice yesterday, and I was nervous because I wasn't sure why. I hoped it was something involving Captain America. I was excited to know he was alive, and I wanted to tell Bucky. But I knew he wouldn't care because now he had no memories of Steve. He was no longer Bucky. 

Bucky, who finally realized he loved Steve. Bucky, who deserved to know Steve was alive more than I did. Bucky, who I didn't remember even after he tried to help me. Bucky, who I brought here for his own torture. Bucky, my brother.

Someone started beating on the door. "Soldier Winter, wake up." I tried to clear my emotions away. They couldn't know the things I remembered, or they would make me forget again. "Now," the guard roared.

I missed my old guards. The oldest had passed away years ago, but I never found out what happened to Edward. "I'm up." The door opened. I sneered, "What?"

Then one of the guards punched the other in the stomach. The guard who had yelled to wake me up leaned over, holding his stomach. He groaned when his attacker kneed him in the face. After a final blow to the face, he collapsed onto the floor. I couldn't help that I flinched when the attacker looked at me. He slammed the door shut, so I stepped back to distance myself from him. He held his arms up. "Just me, Soldier Winter."

"Edward?" He ripped off his mask, revealing a grin. He had blood on his temple and his hair was wet. After another glance, I realized that it was blood soaking it. I stepped forward. His right eye was swollen closed, and he flinched when I reached toward his purple nose. "What happened to you?" It'd been decades since I'd last seen him. How was he still young? Did they ice him, too?

He stepped forward, the grin on his face disappeared as he lowered his voice. "I'm here to help you escape. They iced me to keep me young, but now I think they've realized that I won't ever help them. They're going to kill me anyway, so I might as well risk my life to save the most important person to me."

"Edward," I breathed out his name. I'd always had a soft spot for him; he was like a brother to me. "I can't let you do this. They'll torture you."

"Please let me help, Jem. I never wanted this. If I can save you, maybe I can redeem the good I used to have."

I put my hand on his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat. "Come with me."

He kissed the top of my head. "I'll try."

I closed my eyes and wrinkled my nose. I tried to hold in the tears, but a few escaped as I asked my next question. "What about Jerome? And Bucky..." I had just begun to remember him; I didn't want to lose him again.

"You know Bucky?"

"I remember." I felt a sharp pain in the bottom of my stomach. "I had, I had a dream. And I remembered Steve and him and... someone else."

We heard footsteps and Edward jumped up. He grabbed his helmet off the ground and quickly slipped it back over his head. He reached for the gun on his side, then he stepped in front of the other guard's body. He muttered a quick "stay quiet" under his breath, then watched the door.

"Soldier Winter."

"Ye- yes?"

"What's going on? We heard a lot of commotion coming from here. Where are your guards?" Someone opened the door and saw Edward. The new guard's eyes traveled to mine, not even noticing the obvious body on the floor. I stiffened. "Oh, I didn't realize you were in here. What was all of that noise?"

Edward dropped his hand from his gun, and relaxed his body. Pointing back to me, he replied, "I just came here to escort her to the dining hall. They said they had prepared food for her. She had fallen off her bed in her sleep. I think she may have been having a nightmare before I came in. I closed the door since some of the other prisoners are still asleep." He was lying with ease; there was no hesitation in his words, and his voice stayed even. I almost believed him myself, though I knew he wasn't telling the truth.

"Oh, okay. I'll leave you to it then." Then he closed his door. I immediately exhaled. I'd been holding my breath the whole time, waiting for him to glance down and see the unconscious guard lying on the floor.

Edward turned. "We have to go. Now." I nodded, so he grabbed me and ran.

I didn't want to leave Jerome and Bucky. They'd be tortured once I left. I bit my lip to hold in the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes. "What about," I took a shaky breath, "Bucky and Jerome?"

"I, we might, I don't, I'm not sure, Jemma." We were outside now, so I slowed to a walk to catch my breath. "You have to forget about them."

"But I just remembered Bucky."

Edward turned, nostrils flared, causing me to flinch. "Forget. About. Them. You'll only be hurt if you-" His words were cut off by a gunshot. I heard it hit the tree behind us. I screamed and Edward grabbed my arm, running. I tripped over rocks as I followed after him. 

Another gunshot rang out and Edward fell. I saw blood spread across his shirt. I fell beside him, letting my tears fall. I saw the bullet in his intestines, and I felt bile rise in my throat. I swallowed it and shook at the disgusting taste. "Ed," I choked. All I could smell was the metallic scent of blood. "Edward, please." Another gunshot, right over my head. I ducked.

"Jemma," I leaned closer. He coughed, blood coming out of his mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to breathe. "Jemma, I'm sorry."

I opened my eyes and forced myself to move. I had to stay strong for Edward. I rubbed the bloody hair from his forehead. "I love you, Edward."

He smiled shakily. "I love you, Jemma. That's why I need you to run."

I looked at his side again, feeling the urge to vomit. "I can't just leave you like this."

He tried to raise his arm, but it felt weakly to his side. I grabbed his hand. "You have to." He coughed again. Another gunshot rang across the woods. "Go, Jemma. It's my time." I put a hand to my mouth, muffling the sob. I thought of my parents in their room, never breathing again. I imagined Bucky lying on the ground, choking on his own blood. And Jerome... My heart felt like it was ripping in two as I choked on my own tears. "Go to New York. You'll find them. Ask for Nick... Nick Fury. He knows you're coming." Then he coughed again. I put my head on his chest and he rubbed my palm with his thumb. "It'll be okay," his voice trailed off. I felt his heartbeat slow to a stop, causing me to break down again. As another gunshot rang out, I thought of his words. I couldn't allow him to die for nothing, so after I kissed his forehead and closed his eyes, I ran. 

New York, here I come. Let's hope no one else has to die because of me.


	3. Nick Fury

It had been sunrise when we first left the base, but now it was night. Stars filled the sky. I had no clue where I was, and frankly I was exhausted. I wanted to lie down and sleep, but I knew I had to keep moving. I couldn't risk the chance that they'd find me and bring me back. I couldn't let Edward's sacrifice go to waste. Though I stopped multiple times to catch my breath, I was having problems. I'd heard a river, which I was now following, so I had enough water, but I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday. My stomach kept growling, motivating me to continue moving.

Edward had told me to go to New York, but I had no clue how to get there. I needed to find people to help guide me. I didn't even know where I was now. I thought of the nice old lady who had pointed me to the train station. She had smelled like fresh baked bread- a fact that I hadn't cared about until this moment.

My main concern was how Edward knew all of this information. If he had been iced, then how was he so caught up on the new facts. He had told me to find Nick Fury, but I'd never heard that name in my life. I hoped I could find him, and Steve. I wonder if Edward knew about Steve. I should've rescued Bucky. I shouldn't have left Jerome again.

I groaned internally at the sight of the large hill. I climbed to the top and heard noise. I perked up, looking down the hill. I saw a town. There were cars, buildings, and people. I could smell the food, causing my stomach to growl again. I ran down the hill and to the first store I saw. "Do you guys sell food?" No one answered; they all just stared at me. I resisted the urge to put over being ignored and repeated my question. There was still no answer. I looked down at my clothes and realized why I was being ignored. My clothes were torn from the tree branches I had walked through. Under the holes, you could see scratches and blood. I was wearing shoes, but they were obviously old. Since I had no mirror, I used my hand to feel my hair instead of looking at it. There was a giant knot in the back, and I had dried blood in my bangs. Edward's blood. I need to vomit again. "Where's the bathroom?" Surprisingly, someone answered. But they stayed silent, choosing to just point the way. I ran, and puked in the toilet. I wasn't sure how I even had anything in my stomach in the first place. 

I used the cold sink water to splash water on my face. I cupped my hands to fill them with water, then raised them to my lips. "I feel even hungrier now," I thought as I rinsed the disgusting taste from my mouth. I turned the water off and looked at myself in the mirror. I sighed, knowing that I'd be stared at again when I stepped out of the bathroom. I walked to the door, preparing myself to leave. I regretted walking into the store, because now people wouldn't trust me. But I had no other choice. I opened the door and walked out.

"Jemma Barnes," I froze. "I'm Nick Fury and I need you to come with me." I turned. It was the dark-skinned man that had been in my dream. He was wearing the eye patch and looked angry. Then he cocked his head, "Where's Mr. Watts?"

I choked on my words. "I-" Tears welled up in my eyes again. I clenched them shut, but when I did, all I could see was his blood. "They killed him." I opened his eyes, looking at him again.

"Right." The man looked upset for a split second before clearing the emotion from his face again. "Well, I need you to come with me. We'll get you some food and a shower."

I grinned at Nick Fury. "Then what are we waiting for?"

We traveled to a small building in a black car. A girl drove us, but didn't speak the whole time. I think Fury called her "Agent Hill", but I wasn't sure. It didn't matter either way. As soon as we got there, another girl greeted us at the door. She was shorter than me by at least a foot and with her big grin and soft eyes, she looked like a child. Fury waved her off, "Go make our guest a sandwich." She nodded, happily skipping away to what I assumed was the kitchen.

"We'll talk while you eat. After you finish, you can take a shower." Nick Fury walked away, so I trailed after him. I looked around the house. There was a grey couch and a television. I had had a television in my room for a few days, but they took it away after I used it to block the door. The walls were grey, too, but bare. The house smelled like soap, which made me think of Steve. I couldn't wait to see him. I knew he had to still be alive after I saw him in my dream. If Nick Fury was real, so was Steve.

When I sat at the kitchen table, the girl put a plate in front of me. It had a sandwich with chips on the side, and I thanked her quickly before shoving it in my mouth. I moaned into the chips as soon as they hit my tongue. I had missed food. Nick Fury didn't look amused, but I didn't care. I had been starving.

Fury waited until I finished my chips and started on my sandwich to begin talking. "Now, Ms. Barnes, no one except for us and Hydra know you're alive. I was hoping that we could use you to attack them, but Mr. Watts had told us that you do not know where you were located. Is this true?" I nodded, annoyed that he was talking formally. "We think you should stay here for a while until we find your permanent home."

I stopped eating to ask the only thing I cared about, "Where's Steve?" They looked confused, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes again. "You know... Captain America?"

Fury put his elbows on the table, so I continued eating. "You can't see Steve. He just woke up from being iced and it's not the right time." I shoved the rest of the sandwich in my mouth. "I'm not sure when you'll see him again. A year, at the earliest."

I stood up. "A year?!" I hit the table and saw the girl who got my sandwich flinch; I ignored her. "I only came here to see Steve and now you're saying I can't?"

Agent Hill held a hand out toward me. "You need to calm down."

I hit her hand down. "No. You need to let me see Steve." Fury shook his head. I roared, "Now."

"Go shower and we'll talk about it." Fury's face remained calm as I screamed at him. "Hill, help her fix her shower water." I wanted to hit him, but since he said we would talk about it, I remained silent. For now. Instead, I stormed after Agent Hill and into the bathroom.

She was leaning over the tub, feeling the water with her hand, when I walked in. My anger had dissolved on the short walk to the bathroom. "Sorry for flipping out," I could feel the blush on my cheeks.

She ignored me. "Do you remember Bucky Barnes?" Before I could even answer, she started standing up and pointing to the water. "Tell me if that's hot enough."

I stepped over and touched the water. It was scalding. I flinched away, putting my finger to the chest. I closed my eyes shut and tried to distract myself from the pain. But the darkness just brought on more pain. I remembered being in a tank with scorching hot water. I screamed and grabbed my head. I opened my eyes. "Help me." Then I fell and hit the side of the tub.

"Jemma Winter Barnes, wake up."

I gasped, filling my lungs with air. While I sat up, I coughed, trying to clear my throat. Fury was leaning over the back of the couch. Hill was beside him and the other girl was kneeling beside me. Fury watched my face. "What do you remember?"

I shrugged. "I think everything."

Fury walked out of the room, but he was back in a minute. He had a paper in his hand and showed it to me as soon as I glanced at it. It was a picture of Steve and... someone else. "Do you know who these people are?"

"That's Steve," I pointed to the tall, blonde hair one. Then I pointed to the dark-haired one, "But I'm not sure who that is."

"You- you don't know who that is?"

"Edward said this might happen, but I didn't think so soon..."

I thought of Edward. His green eyes that would never open again. Because of me. I didn't realize I was crying until the girl who made me a sandwich rubbed the tears from my eyes. "It's okay, miss."

I shook my head, moving away from her. "You shouldn't be nice to me. You don't know the things I've done." Her eyes showed her hurt, so I stood up. "I'm going to shower and get rid of the blood. Someone bring me clothes." And I went to shower again, but this time I kept the water cold. Heat brought too many bad memories. 

When I got out of the shower, there were clothes on the sink. I smiled, knowing it was Sandwich Girl. I'd have to thank her, and ask her what her name was. It was simple- a pair of jeans with holes in them and a light blue sweater. I quickly changed and left the bathroom, making sure to put my old, bloody clothes in the trash can that was beside the toilet. 

Everyone was sitting at the table, drinking coffee. I craved it when the smell hit my nostrils. "Thank you for the clothes." The girl nodded and looked down shyly. I sat beside her and crossed my arms, turning to Fury and Hill. "Let's talk."

They nodded. Fury began speaking, "Before you left to shower the first time, I was thinking about letting you go to Stark Tower and see Steve in a few months. But now that you've suffered an injury-"

I cut him off with a scoff and an eye roll. "I would hardly call it an injury. The only thing I forget about is that boy and I'd hardly call it important."

"You're not leaving for at least two months." His voice was hard. "And that's final."

I hit the table, splashing Hill's coffee. I stormed to the bedroom, making sure to lock my door. I had to get to Steve. He's the reason I escaped, the reason I was willing to leave Jerome, the reason Edward died. I couldn't let that go to waste, so I opened my window. I made sure to stay quiet as I slowly pushed the screen out. It fell to the ground. I watched the door for a second, then decided to write a note. They had only been trying to help, after all.

I'm sorry for leaving like this. I decided to write this note to thank all three of you. I apologize to the girl who helped me the most for not staying longer to find out what her name was, and I apologize to Fury for screaming at him and acting childish. I appreciate all that you've done to me in these few short hours, and I hope you believe me when I say that I'd love to see all of you again. But, I had to find Steve. I couldn't let Edward's death be in vain. Steve's all I have left. I'm sorry.

Love,

Jemma Barnes xx

I left the note on the bed that was supposed to be mine. With one last sigh, I jumped out of the room and ran. It seemed like I never stopped running. Not since the day my parents had died. 

I had ran to the city again, but everything was different this time. There were giant screens everywhere and the streets were crowded with people. I needed someone to help me, but I wasn't sure if they'd even know who I was talking about.

I strolled around, trying to stay undercover, to not draw attention to myself. But I remembered that Fury had said something about going to "Stark Tower." Maybe someone would know where that is! I saw a couple holding hands and walking. They looked friendly, so I walked up to them. "Uhm, excuse me?"

They looked at me, still smiling. The way the boy looked at the girl was just how Steve had looked at... someone. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry to bother you, but could you tell me where Stark Tower is?"

They glanced at each other, then shrugged. "That'd be no problem. We were looking for something to do today, so we can just take you there ourselves!" The girl's face brightened as she talked. "We can't go in, though, but we can lead the way."

I exhaled and smiled gratefully. "Thank you so much."

We began walking after the boy told me that it wasn't far from where we were. "Why do you need to go there anyway?"

I wasn't sure what to say. I couldn't just tell them that I was going to see Steve, especially if they happened to know who Captain America is. Instead, I shrugged, "My friend works there."

"That's super cool. I've heard Mr. Stark pays his workers well, though there are rumors that he's rude to them all." I remembered how cold he was toward Steve in my dream. I stayed silent, but nodded to acknowledge that I heard him. I didn't know what to say.

I'd been on many missions over the years, all across the world, but I'd never needed to know how to keep a conversation. I'd hardly talked to anyone at all. Just kill, kill, kill. I wanted to vomit again. 

I was so distracted by my own thoughts (all of my missions had been successful, but after I realized how many people I betrayed, it wasn't a good thing) that I didn't realize we had stopped walking. The couple was staring at the top of the tower in awe. "Here it is."

I looked up, too. It was tall and said Stark on the side. It was really nice, but obviously expensive. I looked at them. "Thank you again." I stick my hand out, "I'm Jemma, by the way."

The boy shook my hand. "I'm Leo." Then he pointed to his girlfriend, "This is Krissy."

The girl shook my hand, too. "It was great to meet you." I smiled and agreed.

I watched them walk away sadly. They'd been so friendly and nice. I regretted never speaking to anyone before. After the crowd swept them away, I walked to the front of the building. I wasn't sure what to do, so I knocked. 

Steve's Perspective:

I was sitting on the couch, thinking about how drastically my life had changed when everyone else walked in. "Cap, someone's at the door. Jarvis said she appears to be unarmed entirely, but looks scared. I don't think we should let her in, but she said she's here to see you." Stark made me angry. I couldn't believe how disrespectful he was when Howard and I had always gotten along so well.

I looked up. "To see me? Why?"

"We're not sure. But we can have Jarvis ask."

Jarvis responded a moment later, "She said she's an old friend of his."

Natasha crossed her arms. "Aren't all of your old friends dead? It's been seventy years!"

I nodded. "Ask for her name."

"She said she's the winter soldier." 

I felt my heart drop. Everyone stared at me as I stood up. I forced myself to talk, "Let her in."

"What?"

I yelled, "Let. Her. In."

"But Cap-" I ran. I had to get to her.

I had to get to Jemma.

"Rogers, wait," they all called out for me, but I kept running. I skipped stairs and jumped a whole staircase as I tried to make it to the front door. "Who is this girl?"

I threw the door open and saw her. Her black hair was down and to the small of her back. She was glaring at the door, but when she saw that it was me, her face brightened. Her blue eyes showed her happiness as they filled with tears. Her blue eyes that matched Bucky's. She jumped on me, "Steve!" 

I picked her up and spun her around, allowing the happiness to fill my body. "Jemma," I breathed into her hair. "I missed you."

She giggled, "Oh, I'm so glad you're actually here."

I set her back down on the ground and leaned away so I could see her. I kept her in my arms as I asked, "How'd you find me, Jem?"

She wiggled her eyebrows and whispered, "Magic."

I laughed, enjoying being able to see her smile. Then I stopped and pulled away. Seeing her eyes brought back waves of pain that I wanted to forget. "Jemma, Bucky's not alive." Her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip, confused, so I continued. "He fell off a train, seventy years ago. During the war."

I expected her to cry. I willed myself to stay strong, so that I could comfort her when she broke. But instead her next words broke me. "Who's Bucky?"


	4. Remembering Again

The tears fell before I could stop them. I knew everyone was staring at us, but I can't let her forget Bucky. Bucky's too important for that. He deserves more. "You- you don't know who Bucky is?"

She tilted her head, "Am I supposed to?"

I stepped even farther away. Hydra had done something to her. "He's your brother, Jemma. Your twin. He has the same eyes as you!" I remembered having my first kiss with Jemma. The only reason I had kissed her was because I got lost in her eyes, like I had with Bucky so many times. "You can't forget him!" I smeared the tears away. My nose hurt from crying, but I couldn't stop. Bucky was all I had, but now I got Jemma back, and she didn't even remember the most important person to her. I was stepping closer to her again, but she was stepping away. She looked terrified, but I was angry. "How can you remember me, but not Bucky? What did they do to you?"

She tightened her eyes and screamed. Stark hit her, knocking her to the floor. "Take her upstairs," he told Thor.

Thor picked her up while I fell to the floor. I didn't want them to see me so weak, but I was hurt. "Be careful with her," I told him. He nodded sadly and carried her up the stairs.

I wiped the rest of my tears and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry you had to see that. It's just B-" I saw him falling from the train. "We had a history."

I felt someone tap my foot, so I opened my eyes to see Stark sitting down. He leaned against the staircase railing. "Who was she?"

"Jemma Barnes."

"I know that name," he was staring at the floor. I wasn't sure where Natasha went, but Bruce was watching us from a corner. "How?"

"Your father knew her." I clenched my fists.

"Ah, right. He saw you guys make out once, right?"

Natasha was back, sitting on the bottom stair. "You two made out?"

"We didn't really make out. It was just a kiss."

Bruce nodded, "I'm not sure. You two seem close."

"Her twin brother was my best friend."

"Bucky?" Stark had obviously heard a lot about us from Howard.

I sighed and nodded. Natasha looked upstairs, then back at me. "Why are you still upset about it? It's been seventy years!"

I rolled my eyes. "Not for me. It's not my fault I was asleep for seventy years! I can still see him falling from the train." I stood up and started sulking upstairs. Then I stopped and closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. "I didn't save him. But I could've."

Jemma's Perspective:

I woke up with a pounding head and groaned. Sitting up, I leaned against the headboard of the bed and looked around. The ceiling was grey and the walls were painted light blue. There was dark blue carpet on the floor. I saw Steve's shield on the wall and a picture of us with a boy on his shelf. "You're awake." Steve was standing at the door, which I assumed led to a bathroom, with his arms crossed. He was wearing a grey t-shirt and red shorts. No fashion sense at all.

I nodded and closed my eyes; my head tilted toward the ceiling. "I'm awake. Though I'm not sure if that's a good thing."

He sighed, drawing my attention back to him. I noticed then how red and swollen his eyes were. "I didn't mean to yell at you like that." He cautiously walked forward. "It's just been a long time, Jemma."

I leaned forward and slowly nodded, which made the pounding in my head worse. "I understand, Steve. It's okay. I'm used to much worse," I forced a grin.

He sat on the edge of the bed, messing with his fingers. "I regret letting you leave." I noticed the bracelet on his wrist; my headache was messing with the things I saw. It was silver and I had definitely seen it before. "Bu- I mean, I was so upset. Peggy, too."

I grabbed his wrist and saw that the bracelet had my name on it. "What is it?"

He looked at it, then back at me. His eyebrows were raised, making his eyes wide. "You don't remember?" I shook my head. He pulled away and stood up. I expected him to answer me, but then he only shrugged. "Are you hungry?"

I decided to leave it alone for the time being. "A little bit, I guess."

"Then come on," he waved his hand toward the door before making his way over to it.

I stood, but as soon as my legs touched the floor, my ears began ringing. That doesn't make sense. But I ignored it, I'd handled worse injuries than this. I made it to the stairs when my legs started to shake. I wasn't going to be able to make it down there, but Steve was already halfway down. I was already intruding. But when I stepped down to the first stair, my leg gave out. I tripped. "Hey, uh, Steve?"

He turned back immediately, and when he saw me sitting on the stair, he ran back up to me. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"My leg." I sighed. "Sorry, I think I'm just worn out." I knew I was lying, but I wasn't sure what was going on, so I didn't want to worry him. 

Before I even asked, he picked me up. "It's fine."

I put my head on his shoulder. "I still can't believe how tall you are." I thought about Jerome, who knew I wasn't brainwashed but let me leave anyway. Jerome, who I left behind to find a guy from my past. "Hey, Steve?" I was whispering, even though no one was around.

"Mhm?"

"Have you ever been in love?" I closed my eyes, waiting for his response. If I'd get one.

"I think so, yeah."

I nodded, "I think I have, too." I sighed. "What was it like?"

He stayed silent, so I prepared to apologize. "It was... great. I mean, I never told them. I waited too long and then, it was too late."

"Do you regret it?"

"Yeah. But I don't think it would've worked out."

"Why not?" Both of our voices were still low.

"They didn't feel the same way."

I couldn't stop the questions from flowing out of my mouth. "How do you know?"

"It wasn't right. I wasn't good enough. He was practically a god."

"He?"

"I, uh, yeah, he." We reached the bottom of the staircase. "Don't mention to anyone, though, okay?" I nodded and he took a shaky breath. "Boys aren't supposed to like boys." Something about his statement made my heart drop; I gasped. "What?"

"I, I've heard that before."

"What do you mean?"

I groaned internally. I was tired of forgetting everything. Why couldn't I remember who Bucky was? Why couldn't I remember anything, but pain? "Someone's said those words to me before. Someone liked a boy and they told me-"

"What's taking you two so long?" Clint walked toward us.

Stark smirked. "Oh. Mr. and Mrs. America." I rolled my eyes, placing my head in the crook of his neck. Soap.

"Leave them alone, Stark." Bruce walked toward, what I guessed was, the kitchen. "It's time to eat."

I grinned, jumping out of Steve's arms. He laughed as I pulled him after Bruce. All of the tension from our serious conversation only seconds before was gone. But I couldn't help but think about how upset Steve had been about our conversation. Sometimes love was so cruel.

I was sitting between Steve and Tony at the table. Clint, Natasha, and Bruce were across from us, and Thor sat at the end. "How did you find us?" Bruce was shoving food in his mouth while he talked.

I stopped chewing and stared at my plate. I was about to respond when a familiar, deep voice answered for me. "Because we found her first." I whipped my head toward the door. Fury. I flinched away when he glared at me. He stepped forward, followed by Hill. I internally groaned, immediately annoyed by her presence. "And now we're taking her again."

Steve glared back, "No. You're not taking her from me."

"She suffered a bad injury before she came here. We need to help her."

I rolled my eyes. "It was not a bad injury."

"Then tell me who this is." He showed me the same picture again. The one of Steve and another boy. I tried to concentrate on it, to try to remember so I could stay, but I couldn't think. I felt Steve lean toward it from beside him.

Then he gasped and stood up. "Bucky..."

I clenched my fists. Who is Bucky? "I don't know a Bucky!"

Fury raised his voice to yell. "Yes you do! You just forget, which is why we have to help you!"

Steve was taking deep breaths as he cut in. "How can you help her more than I could? I'm the one who knew them both!"

"Exactly, Fury." I sneered, "You don't know anything. I'm not sure how Edward could ever trust you."

"You're the one that shouldn't be trusted. He's dead because of you. Because of you, he was tortured for fifty years." Fifty? "I'm trying to help you, but only because he wanted us to. Apparently, you didn't care about his life as much as he cared for yours."

I screamed, grabbing my plate and throwing it. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything. You don't know half of what I've gone through, so shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up." The ringing in my ears got louder, so I grabbed them. I saw Edward's blood again, I heard Jerome's screams as they wiped his memory. Again and again. "Jerome," I screamed as I fell to the floor. The ringing stopped when I closed my eyes, but so did everyone's voices.

Jerome pounded on the door. "Where is she? Where did you send her?" He kicked the door, ignoring the man behind him. "You said you wouldn't send her on a mission alone."

"They didn't send her on a mission." The man grumbled from behind Jerome.

"Then where is she, Winter Soldier?"

"I don't know."

"How do you know she's not on a mission?" Jerome was pulling at his hair.

"We would have heard her. She's strong, a fighter." The man's face tightened in confusion. "She always has been."

"What do you mean 'always has been'? You hardly know her."

"I'm not sure." Then he looked at Jerome, who wasn't looking at him. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure, whatever. It's not like there's anything else to do in this shit hole."

"I dream about her sometimes. But, she's different. Most of the time we're little kids, but I know it's her. Sometimes there's other people, too, but she's always there."

Jerome started pacing, messing with his shirt. "What other people?"

"I'm not sure. A boy. I don't know who he is, but I want to protect him. I'd like to hug him, or I don't know. I think I cared about him before..." He gestured around the room. "Well, before this."

Jerome froze. "A boy?" The Winter Soldier nodded. "Was his name Steve?" 

The Winter Soldier tilted his head and thought for a minute. "I'm not sure. Maybe."

"Oh no." Jerome glanced at the door, then rushed to his side. "You can't tell anyone about this, okay? No one can know about this boy. Never mention how you feel about him. Especially not while we're in here." He didn't wait for a response because he heard the lock jiggle. He ran over there, and as soon as the guard walked in, he pinned him to the wall. "Where. Is. Soldier. Winter?"

The guard smirked, "Wouldn't you like to know? Lover boy."

Jerome hit his head against the wall. I'd never seen him so angry or aggressive before. Jerome was not one for violence, which is why it hurt so much to watch him be used as a weapon. I'd rather be brainwashed a million times then watch him be forced to kill innocent people. Especially when he remembered them. "Tell me where she is."

The guard's smirk dropped, and he pushed Jerome off of him. "Time to go." He pointed to the Winter Soldier who was still sitting down. "You, too. Come on. They have a mission for you."

The Winter Soldier stood and wiped his hair from his face. Something about him looked familiar, so I stepped forward while he walked by. He looked like the boy in the picture. Like Bucky. Turns out I knew him after all.

The guard walked ahead. "Follow me," he called. 

As soon as he was out of earshot, Jerome grabbed the Winter Soldier's arm. "They're going to send us after her. I can't kill her. I can't hurt her."

The Winter Soldier looked at his arm where Jerome had a hold of it. He nodded and said, "I know you can't." Jerome sighed and pulled away. Then, the Winter Soldier whispered to himself, "Neither can I."

I opened my eyes. I was still lying on the kitchen floor. My ears started to ring again, bringing my headache back. "Bucky." No one heard me. I watched them yell at each other, but I couldn't focus my eyes. "Bucky. Bucky. Bucky." I tried to sit up, but couldn't stand. I grabbed Steve's leg. He jumped.

"Oh! You're awake."

"Where's that picture?"

Steve grabbed it from Fury's hand and leaned down. He put it in front of me. I couldn't focus, the picture was doubled and moving. I grabbed his hand to steady it and blinked slowly.

It was him. It was the Winter Soldier. With the hand that wasn't on Steve's, I rubbed Bucky's face in the picture. I blinked again and his name was gone. I dropped my hands. "Tell me about him."

I saw Steve grin. "You two were inseparable. But, I knew Bucky years before I met you."

"How did you meet?"

Steve chuckled lightly and sat on the floor, still facing me. "We were at school. He whistled at a girl and then started laughing with his friends. It made me mad, so I tried to tackle him in class." He looked to the right, in a daze as he thought back on the memory. "Obviously that didn't work, but Bucky stopped whistling at girls. He'd stop his friends from bullying me, too, but that only worked when he was around." He sighed, "He was great."

"Can you tell me about us? Me and him?"

Steve blinked, then smiled sadly at me. "Of course, Jemma." He crossed his legs and laced his finger together. "Bucky hated everyone that liked you. You'd only had two boyfriends, that I knew of, and Bucky threatened them a lot. He'd glare at anyone if they even said your name. He was protective of everyone he cared about." He sighed again. "After you left, he only talked to me. He shut everyone else out. He'd go on dates with a girl; find me my own, but it never worked. We usually just left them and talked to each other. When I started enlisting, he stopped going on dates. There were girls who had girlfriends, but obviously that wasn't accepted. Me and Buck would pretend to be their dates, so they could go places together. It was Bucky's idea, of course, but I think it was just an excuse to go to science conventions because he knew I didn't want to go. He loved them, though."

I smiled. Steve seemed happy when he talked about Bucky. I hadn't realized everyone left us alone until I glanced around the empty room. "I wish I remembered him."

Steve grabbed my hand, "Me too." Then his eyes widened and his grin grew into a smile. "Do you think maybe if I said something he always used to say to you,that it could help you? Like a trigger word?" I flinched when he said 'trigger word', but nodded because it could work. 

I squeezed his hand. "It could help, I guess."

Steve tilted his head for a second. "Well, he always used to tell you that he'd protect you forever. And, we called you the Winter Soldier the day before you left because you didn't like being called Soldier Winter." The Winter Soldier. How was that familiar, too? "Is it helping?" 

I shook my head. "Not enough."

Steve sighed, obviously giving up. He stood and put a hand out to help me up. I grabbed it and he wrapped his arm around my waist to help me balance. We were halfway through the kitchen when he put his lips beside my ear and whispered, "He loves you the whole world." 

And I remembered again.


	5. They’re Arriving

A little girl with long, black hair and sparkling blue eyes giggled. The boy beside her had matching hair and when he looked up, his eyes were the same, too. He splashed water on her face, making her stop giggling. Instead, she started crying, trying to wipe her eyes with her wet hands. 

"Mama, mama," the boy yelled. He moved toward the girl, drying his hands on the blanket laying a few feet away. "I'm vewy sowwy, Jemma. I innit mean to."

The girl's lip quivered as her mom reached for her. "What happened, love?"

"Bucky pashed me!"

The mom looked at the boy, who's lip also began quivering. "I'm sowwy."

"It's otay." Her mom dried her face off. "Can we pway?"

Their mom nodded, "Just be careful." She kissed the tops of their heads and walked back over to their father.

As soon as she turned away, the boy hugged his sister. "I wuve oo, Jemma."

She hugged him back. "How much?"

"I wove oo da whole word!"

She giggled. "Me too, Dames!" She could never stay mad at her brother.

"I remember him." Everyone looked at me.

Then Fury grabbed me, pulling me from the room.

He leaned closer to my face. "What do you know?"

I whispered my reply, "He's still alive. They kept us together."

Fury nodded. "I figured as much. But, listen, you can't tell Steve, okay? Steve will try to go save him and we can't risk that right now."

I hissed, "Why not? Why is everybody willing to let Bucky and Jerome die?"

"They won't be killed."

"You don't know how much it hurts. The stuff they put you through is unbearable. So if I can't tell Steve, let me go save them myself. You're the one who wanted me to remember."

"You are not going. And if you think about running away anyways, we'll catch you before you make it past the door. Now, go talk to Steve, but not about this. Got it?"

I sighed, nodding. Eventually, I'd have to go back and get Bucky and Jerome. But for now, I was too weak, so I'd stay. With Steve and everyone else. I wouldn't forget again, I couldn't.

I left the room as soon as the conversation ended. Fury scared me, and it got harder to pretend to be brave around him every time. Steve smiled at me. "Everything alright?"

I nodded, "Yeah." I glanced in the room, where everyone was. "Can we go talk?"

He shrugged. "Sure." We both glanced at the stairs, remembering me sitting on them after my legs gave out. "Wanna ride on my back?"

I nodded, laughing. "Sure." He bent over, so I jumped on his back. He fixed his grip before beginning the climb upstairs.

"So, what'd you wanna talk about?" I put my head on his back; I could feel his heartbeat.

"Bucky."

"Right," his heart began to quicken. I smiled.

We made it to his bedroom, so I hopped off his back and onto the bed. He laid at the end, arms under his head, and closed his eyes. "So, you remember everything?"

I nodded. "I think so. But I have a question."

"Okay..."

I was nervous to ask him. We'd just reunited, and I was about to ask him something really personal. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing. I opened them. "Who was the boy you were in love with?" I tried to raise my voice, but it came out in a whisper.

His eyes snapped open. "I," he cleared his throat and shook his head. "Sorry, what?"

I blushed. "Well, you don't have to tell me, but I was just wondering, who you uh, who was he?"

I heard Steve inhale. "It was Bucky." I grinned. "Why?"

I couldn't wipe the grin from my face as I stared at his blankets. Gaining my memories back, I remembered Bucky telling me he was in love with Steve. "He loved you, too."

Steve nodded. "I know. But not the same way. He told me he loved me, but we were like brothers. To him, at least."

"No. He told me. He was in love with you, too." 

"I'm in love with Steve. And, and he doesn't care about me. Not like that. But it-it wouldn't matter much anyway, would it? Since we couldn't be together. Boys aren't supposed to love boys."

"He never told you, but he did. He thought you didn't feel the same way. He told me boys aren't supposed to love boys. But he loved you. I should've realized sooner. I think I was the only person he told. I'm sorry, Steve."

Steve was staring at the ceiling, smiling. "I'm glad I know now, at least." He closed his eyes. "You aren't lying, are you?"

"Of course not. I just wish you two could've been together. Forever."

"Me, too, Jemma. Me, too."

I wanted to tell him then. I wanted to tell him that Bucky was trapped, being hurt when I remembered my dream. "Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no."

Steve sat up, "What? What's wrong?"

"Fury. I need Fury." Then I ran. My legs shook, still weak, but I didn't stop. "Fury. Fury." I saw Natasha and Clint talking beside the stairs. I slowed "Where's Fury?" They pointed to the living room, so I took off. "Fury?"

"Yes?" 

"I need to talk to you." The thoughts of Jerome and Bucky shooting innocent people, and I started crying. "Now!" I ran to the kitchen and heard him follow me.

"What's going on? Is Rogers okay?"

"They're coming."

"What? Who's coming? When?"

"They're, We, I'm their mission. They're coming for me." I put a hand to my mouth. "I shouldn't have left. I have to go back. Now."

Fury shook his head. "Calm down. Are you sure they're coming?" I nodded. "How do you know?"

I looked around, and though I saw no one, I knew to lower my voice anyway. I was glad I did when I heard soft footsteps outside of the closed door. My ears perked up, but I stayed silent. "I have these dreams..."

"Dreams," Fury repeated, emotionless. 

"I, well," I sighed. No matter how I phrased my explanation, it would sound pretend. Like those games Bucky and I used to make up as kids. "I dream about some things before they happen. Or while they're happening, but I'm not there."

Fury leaned back on his heels. "Prove it."

I looked around the room. How could I prove it? Then, I answered before I had realized I knew an answer. "Stark and Cap argued." I closed my eyes, remembering. "They were about to fight. Stark told him that he was just a lab experiment." I opened my eyes and saw Fury's shocked face. I chuckled, shaking my head, "Bucky would've been pissed about that."

"You weren't there for that argument..."

"I dreamed about it. The night Edward," I choked on my words. "I have to go back."

Fury shook his head. "After all of that trouble, you're just going to leave? To go back?"

I realized this was my routine. They knew I would come back. I had no doubts that they wouldn't come capture me, but they also knew I wouldn't be gone for long. I came back every time. For Jerome. "I have to save them."

"Your little boyfriend will be fine." I knew he was right about Jerome. They may hurt him, but he was essential. He was an amazing doctor and did so many things that no one else could.

"But, Bucky..." I trailed off and then started again. "Now that I know Steve is alive, I have to go back. I have to help them find each other again. No one deserves it more."

"Who's coming for you?"

I sighed. "They're sending Jerome and Bucky. But they'll brainwash them before they let them go. They're going to be physically and mentally strained, but they won't stop. The boys I love won't want to hurt me, but they train us to never stop. I'm stronger than them... I'm able to break past the brainwashing easily, but they're not so good at it. Eventually, I can help them remember, but," I gestured around the room, referring to the whole tower, "I can't let people die because of it."

"They won't. These people can handle themselves. If you can make them remember, then we can capture them. We can hold them in a cell until you can help. We're not going to lose you. Edward made it clear that you'd be a perfect asset to the team, and Edward's an intelligent soldier."

"Edward's dead, Fury." Then I raised my voice to a yell. "I'm leaving! And if you try to stop me, I'll fight you. I can't leave them! They're all I have left."

The door flew up, revealing a distraught Steve. His eyes showed his pain; his blue eyes filled with tears. I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't. It'd only hurt him more in the end. "They're all you have left?" Before I could raise my head to nod, he continued, his voice raising with each word. "What about me, Jemma? You're not leaving again. I won't let you." He shook his head. "Bucky wouldn't want this." I flinched at Bucky's name. If only you knew, Stevie.

I stepped forward, cautiously. "Steve..."

"No, Jemma. I won't let you leave. I can't lose you again. I can't watch you walk away while I do nothing."

I shook my head, still walking forward. "I have to go back, Steve. I have to."

"No you don't. We can fight them off. I won't let you go back to them. We should've stopped you the first time, Jem. I'll stop you this time."

I tried to appear calm as the inside of my body went crazy. I heard the ringing in my ear again. "You can't stop me, Steve." Everyone was watching us, but I blocked them out. I locked eyes with Steve. "You know you can't beat me."

Steve watched my eyes. My eyes looked like Bucky's. My eyes made him think of Bucky so much that he kissed me instead. The blue that showed was identical to the love of his life's. "Maybe not by myself, but if everyone helps, we can. You belong on this team as much as any of the rest of us."

I grabbed his face, moving closer. "Let me do this, Steve." I knew I couldn't tell him that I was going back to save Bucky, who he thought was dead, who he thought he watched fall as he did nothing. "If it was Bucky, you'd go. Jerome's my Bucky, and I can't just leave him there to be tortured."

"It's different," he exclaimed.

"Mhm. How?" He opened his mouth, then closed it. Again and again. "Don't you wish you could've saved Bucky, Steve? Don't you wish you could've pulled him back into the train?" I thought of how I was the one who found him in the snow, laying in his own blood. He was missing an arm, but all he cared about was my health. And Steve.

Steve sighed, still staring into my eyes. His voice was a low whisper, for only my ears to hear. "I could've, you know. I could've saved him. He let go because I-" Steve blinked slowly. "I almost fell, so Bucky jumped. But I could've let myself fall first. I could've survived that height." Bucky could, too. He did, in fact. "Instead, I let him go. If I wouldn't have been in the way, maybe he could've made it back in." Steve stepped back and surveyed the room. Then he dropped his gaze to the floor. "Go."

"What?"

"Go. Before I change my mind."

I grinned sadly. After kissing his cheek, quickly, I whispered, "There's a picture of me in your room. I took it earlier. Look at my eyes in it, Steve. They're Bucky's, too." The corner of his lip raised, so I pulled away. "I love you, Stevie."

"I love you, too." Steve wrinkled his nose. His body was stiff.

I glanced around. "Thank you all for everything. I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer."

I looked at Natasha and smiled. She looked familiar and as I pulled her into a hug, I realized why. I whispered into her ear, "Stay safe, my little ballerina." She froze, before sighing into my hair.

"Good luck, Winter."

Then I hugged Clint. "I hardly talked to you, but you seem like a good hugger, so here we are."

He chuckled, hugging me back. He was a good hugger. "Take care, girl."

Then I hugged Bruce. I leaned in closer to his ear than I had with anyone else. "Your reflection. It was green and giant. What is it?"

Bruce stiffened, his arms around my waist. "The Hulk. An accident happened."

I nodded. "It'll be okay. You're a genius, Bruce."

He pulled away. "Thanks, kid. Be careful out there."

I held my hand out to Thor. He seemed different, so I was unsure if he did hugs, but then he pulled me into one. "Be safe, little one."

I nodded and then walked over to Tony. He was staring at me. He lifted his chin when we locked eyes. He was pretending to be confident, maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought. He was damaged, like me. Like all of us really. But he was good at hiding it. I hugged him, and hesitantly, he returned it. "I knew your dad, Tony. He was a... good man." Tony tensed, and I knew that was his backstory. Howard wasn't a good dad. He probably expected a Captain America, a Steve Rogers. But there was only one. "But people change." He relaxed. "You're a good man, too, Tony. Having Iron Man is just as important as having Captain America, and that's coming from Steve's best friend." I winked at him when I pulled back.

Tony smirked. "I heard a lot about you, too. My dad said he didn't know you long, but that he loved you. I can see why. I'm welcome to seeing you again." It was obvious that he was joking, so I played along.

I giggled. "Tempting, but I have a man waiting for me at home." If that's what you call a base where you're kept as a prisoner until they need your skills.

I knew not to hug Fury, so instead I went for a handshake. He returned it, placing his hand in mine. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I wasn't worth all of this. But when," if, "I make it back, I'd be happy to join the team."

Fury actually smiled at me, with a small nod. He pulled away. "We'd be happy to see you."

I turned to Hill. "Thank you, too." She nodded, but didn't reply. "And tell the girl who helped me that I'm sorry and forever grateful. I'd like to be her friend, if this all ends." They nodded, so I turned again. I was facing Steve. I chuckled, but it was fake, "Goodbyes don't ever get any easier, do they?"


	6. Kissing Barnes

Steve grabbed my waist and put our foreheads together. I knew everyone was watching, but I didn't care. This moment was for Steve; that's it. He pulled me even closer. "I'll wear your bracelet. I haven't taken it off since you left and I never will."

I giggled and nodded. "Okay." He stared at my eyes. His eyes were still wet with tears and I saw the hurt in them. I whispered, "Kiss me, Steve."

"Wha- what?"

I lowered my voice even more. "I know it's weird, Stevie. But you never got the chance to kiss Bucky. I know it hurts that it's my eyes you're looking at and not his. So, kiss me. And only think of my eyes the whole time. Then it's like Bucky."

He stared into my eyes again, and I waited until his eyes were closed to shut mine. Then he kissed me. It was different from our first one. This was desperate. I knew he was crying when my lips got wet. They tasted like salt. I was about to pull away when Steve did. "How much time do we have?"

I blinked. "What?"

"When do they get here?"

I closed my eyes. "I don't know. I think, maybe, they'll probably get called upon today."

Not glancing at anyone else, Steve pulled me. "Leave in an hour." I sighed, but nodded. So, he pulled me to his room.

He closed the door and sat on the bed. When I sat beside him, he grabbed my hand. "I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Did it help?" He didn't respond, so I added, "To think of Bucky when it was me?"

He let go of my hand. "It was weird. Super weird. But, I think it helped. It was cool to see his eyes when it was your lips. But now I just wish it was really him. I should've kissed him before, but now I guess I never will." The loss of hope in his voice almost made me blurt out that Bucky was alive, that I was going to save him, that he was the person coming for me. He started talking again, but kept his eyes on the door in front of him. "We almost did a couple times, though."

I smiled softly. "I know."

The sounds of fists hitting the punching bag echoed through the hallway. I had three bottles of water in my arms as I walked back to Steve and Bucky. Bucky was trying to teach Steve to fight; everyday we found him in an alley with his hands up. He was usually bloody when we got there, and his opponent, who was usually twice his size, wouldn't have a scratch. I rolled my eyes as I remembered it. 

The closer I got, the more I could hear Steve's exasperated breaths. "Buck, I think I need a break. I'm going to have an asthma... attack." He took a deep breath. "I'm having a hard time," he wheezed, "breathing."

My elbow was on the door, prepared to open it. I heard Bucky could chuckle and imagined his smirk. "There's other ways you can lose your breath, Stevie."

I heard Steve's deep breaths quicken. I nudged the door open quietly and peeked through. Steve's arm was almost touching Bucky's chest. His eyes were closed, and I saw his chest moving up and down heavily. He tilted his head up. "Like what, Buck?"

Bucky was looking down at him with a grin on his face. His eyes were soft, and his head was tilted to the side. "Well, Stevie," he leaned closer. I saw Steve's chest stop moving; the sounds of his breathing were gone. "Ever kissed anyone?" Bucky closed his eyes, leaning down toward Steve. Steve shook his head, still not breathing. "You want to?" Steve's hand touched Bucky's chest, and he raised himself up on his toes. Bucky cupped Steve's cheek and put his forehead against Steve's. I saw his lips part and I moved away from the door.

I quickly forced a smile and walked through the door. "Hey guys." They jumped apart, eyes wide. Bucky was smirking while he watched Steve's face turn red. "Sorry for taking so long."

"I caught you guys almost kissing a few times," I admitted, embarrassed.

He flinched, turning his gaze to me. "You did?"

I looked down and messed with my fingernails. "Yeah." Then I chuckled and looked back up. "How could you not think he liked you back after all of that?"

Steve looked to the door. "Well, it's not like it ever actually happened." He sighed. "Even after you were gone and didn't interrupt us, we still didn't ever kiss. Bucky would stop."

I closed my eyes. "Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"He loved you. So much."

"I know. But he loved you, too, which is why I can't let you leave."

"Steve..."

He sat up, watching me with frantic eyes. "Whoever you're going back for, they're not worth it, Jemma. They're not worth your life." Oh, Steve. If only you knew who I was really saving. "I can't lose you, too. Not when I just got you back. I've only been awake two weeks and-"

"Wait, you've only been here for two weeks?" I was shocked when he nodded. His reveal made me reconsider, but I knew he'd be even happier when I came back with Bucky in tow, even if it wasn't the Bucky he knew. Then, I froze. Would Steve be happy? If he found out all of the people the Winter Soldier had hurt, had killed, would he still love him?

If he knew how many people I had helped Bucky hurt? When he found out I had come here knowing Bucky was alive, would he help me? Or would he hate me? I stood up. "I have to go. Now."

"What? Why? Are they coming?"

"No, I-" I backed away as he reached for me. "Let me go, Steve. I don't want to fight you, but I'm not going to stay here."

"Why, Jemma? Why are you suddenly in a rush?"

"We're not the same, Steve." I didn't realize that I had said 'we' until I saw his eyebrows begin to furrow. "I mean, I'm not the same. They changed me. I've done a lot of things."

Steve reached for me again, so I opened the door. "Jemma, I know that wasn't you."

I shook my head, backing out of the room slowly. "No. You don't know that, actually." 

He grabbed my left arm (the same arm that was missing on Bucky when Steve couldn't save him), so I used my right to punch his jaw. He let go. "Don't follow me. Don't look for me. I'll be back." Then, I ran. 

I made it to the door when I felt someone grab me again. Hard, calloused palms and fingers. I turned. Tony. "Cap told us to make you stay."

I shook my head. The rest of his team was surrounding us. "You don't understand. You have to let me go." Steve was back. I closed my mouth to hold in the sob that rises in my throat. "Fury, please get me out of here." I saw him raise a gun and I screamed. Everyone fell to the floor.

"They're just unconscious. They'll be okay, but we have to go. Now." He opened the door. "Hill, make sure we're not followed."

I quickly slid into the passenger seat. "Thank you."

Fury started the car, speeding onto the road. "Yeah, well, you do what you have to. Coulson would be pissed that I shot Captain America, though." For the first time since I'd first spoke to Fury, his voice was soft. 

"Who's Coulson?" My throat was still burning because of the tears I was holding in.

"My friend. He's a man I trust with my life. More than anyone else."

"Even Hill?"

He nodded. "Why'd you have to go so quickly anyway? I thought Steve was going to have you stay for another hour." He rolled his eyes, or the eye that wasn't under the eye patch. "You can imagine what Stark said when Steve pulled you upstairs."

I would have blushed if it wasn't the love of my brother's life. I shook my head. "We just talked about Bucky, who's the reason I had to go." I looked out the window. New York was a lot different now. "We're different now. Bucky's not as bad. He's only been doing it fifty years, because they couldn't really break him for twenty. But they did break him. Since then, we've done a lot of things that shouldn't have been done. Mostly together, sometimes alone, but always done." The tears spilled. "Sometimes I'd remember, but I'd still do the missions because they'd hurt them if I didn't. They'd threaten to hurt Jerome and Bucky if I failed, and then they'd wipe my memory again when I got back. So, I did them. And I'm scared that Steve won't love Bucky anymore when he realizes what we've done. But, I know he'll hate me when he finds out. If he knows that I wasn't brainwashed when I killed some people and that I never saved Bucky when I could've," I lowered my voice, "he'll never forgive me."

"You were doing what you had to." Fury's knuckles were white. "They killed Coulson."

"What?" I looked at him.

"We were fighting those fucking aliens and they stabbed him."

"I'm sorr-"

Fury cut me off with the wave of his hand. "That's not the bad part. I made a decision then, and I'm still not sure if it was the right one, but I did it. I had to save him."

"What'd you do?"

"I brought him back to life. I used an experiment that we had done on others before, but those ones hadn't worked out so well. They made the agents go crazy; they were never the same. But I risked it for Coulson. Right now, he's putting together a team."

"Do they know?"

"No. No one knows. Only the doctors who did it and me."

"Did it hurt?"

Furys' face tightened, but he nodded. "Yeah. But he doesn't remember. We wiped his memory."

I flinched. They wiped his memory. Why did so many people do this? "Oh. Right."

"Don't tell anyone, though." 

I looked back out the window. We were no longer in the city; the buildings were smaller now. "I'm probably not coming back. You know that, right?"

He nodded, "I figured as much." He glanced at me. "I hope you can find your way from the town where I picked you up."

I nodded. "I think so. I'm good with directions usually." 

"Good."

"Could I sleep? Before I go back? I might not get much if they catch me." My voice sounded unsure, but I knew they'd catch me. I wasn't leaving without Jerome and Bucky, and they may not trust me. Who knows what was wiped from their memory?

"Go ahead. I'll wake you when we're close."

I nodded and put my head on the window. The world flew by as the sun hit my dark hair.

Steve Rogers was lying on the bed, drawing in his sketchbook. Bucky Barnes was sitting on the end of the same bed, watching Steve. I sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Steve was drawing Bucky. 

Bucky was shirtless. He grinned at Steve; his head was tilted and his blue eyes gleamed. He ran a hand through his hair, making the front stand up. "Wanna know something, Steve?"

Could this be my memory? I looked around. I didn't know where we were, so there's no way I could remember this happening. Maybe it was just a dream.

This was the Steve that hadn't been injected with the serum. Yet. A strand of blond hair hung down on his forehead. Without looking up, he asked, "What?" He was cross-legged and hunched over.

"You're my best friend." Bucky's smile brightened when Steve chuckled.

"You're my best friend, too, Buck." I saw Steve's cheeks flush. Now that I knew Steve loved Bucky, I noticed many details.

"Cool." Bucky sat there for a moment longer before his eyes lit up. His smile turned into a smirk as he leaned forward, slightly. "Almost done, Stevie?"

"Yeah."

Bucky leaned forward and muttered, "Look up, doll." Steve looked up, then flinched at the proximity of their faces. Bucky licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair. Steve didn't move, didn't even blink, as he looked at Bucky's lips. Then his hair. He looked into Bucky's eyes. "You know, girls go crazy over my eyes. What d'ya think?"

"I, uh," Steve slowly blinked. His face paled. "Well, I... you do have nice eyes, I think." He backed away, pulling his sketchbook toward him. Then he smirked and leaned forward again. He closed his eyes and whispered, "But girls just love you, Bucky. They all do."

Bucky leaned closer, closing his own eyes. Then he grabbed the back of Steve's head and pulled him closer. I noticed an empty bottle (probably alcohol) on the floor. Their mouths were half an inch apart. Then, Bucky opened his eyes and let go of Steve's head. He started to move away when Steve opened his eyes.

Steve frowned and opened his mouth. Then he closed it again. He wrinkled his nose. "...Bucky?"

"Steve... I don't-"

Steve shook his head. "It's okay, Bucky." Then, Steve kissed him. Their lips moved together. Bucky pulled Steve closer. Their eyes were tightly shut. Bucky's grip tightened on the back of Steve's shirt. They both opened their eyes and smiled.

Suddenly, Bucky pushed Steve off of his lap. He jumped off the bed, tripping over the thin blanket. He shook his head; his hands were raised, palms out. He shook his head. His smile was gone and his eyes were no longer gleaming happily. I saw his bottom lip quiver before he turned around. He put his hands behind his neck and laced his fingers together; then he let his head fall forward. "Sorry." His voice was low, but was almost a yell in the silent room. "I think I'm a bit drunk." What was Bucky talking about? He sounded like he didn't mean it, but I knew he loved Steve.

Steve's own head fell. "Right, yeah... Me too." He leaned back. "I think we had too much anyway, we're only sixteen after all."

Bucky chuckled; it sounded real. "I'm seventeen, actually."

Steve sighed, "Right." He was clutching the sketchbook's spine, giving me a good look at the drawing.

It was good. Really good. It looked just like Bucky. The left side of his mouth was raised and the bottom lip was out, like he was pouting. His eyes were shut; his lashes were long, going down to where the middle of his nose was. His head was tilted, allowing his hair to fall to the side.

Bucky turned around. His eyes looked red, making the blue stand out. Then he pointed to Steve's sketchbook. "Can I see?"

Steve looked down, and he slammed the book shut. He shook his head, "Ah, no. It's not that good."

Bucky's face fell. "Okay, sure."

Steve never let anyone look at his sketchbook, but I know he considered showing Bucky sometimes. I also knew 95% of his drawings were of Bucky.


	7. Hot Dogs

"Barnes. Barnes! Wake up!" I flinched awake, slapping the person who called my name. "What the fuck?"

I blinked. "Oh my. Fury, I'm so sorry!"

He cupped the left side of his jaw, shaking his head. "It's fine. Not bad. We're here, though." He nodded out my window, so I looked. We were back in the town. "You'll be alright?"

I nodded. "Can you tell Steve that I'm sorry?"

Fury nodded. "I will." He looked forward. "You know, I can send someone everyday to check for you. If you bring them here, we'll help you."

"Don't. It's not worth it." I exhaled deeply, admitting the truth, though I didn't want to. "I'm not going to make it back out. If they don't kill me, they'll at least wipe me, and they won't be so careless this time. Just keep everyone on their guard and don't look for me."

Steve's Perspective

I woke with a jolt. I was lying on the couch in the sitting room of Stark's Tower. I looked around. Stark was sitting in the corner, his head in his hands. Natasha and Clint were sitting beside each other, also silent. Bruce was talking to Thor, but I couldn't hear what they were saying. I felt like I was underwater, which made me think of the plane. I flinched. "Where is she?"

"Who, Cap?"

I rolled my eyes. "Jemma. Where is she?"

They glanced at each other. "We... don't know."

"Where. Is. She?"

Agent Hill stepped into the room. "She left. Fury drove her back."

"Why?!" I stood. "Why would you let her go?"

"Rogers, listen. If we wouldn't have stopped her, she would've found a way to go anyway. She deserved to make her own choice."

"Not if it's the wrong one!" I collapsed back onto the couch. I let Bucky go and now I let Jemma go, too. I couldn't save the people who deserved to be saved the most. "I have to find her." I closed my eyes, knowing all eyes were on me. "Tell Fury to take me to her."

"We can't do that," Hill's voice was cold, emotionless. She hadn't liked Jemma, even though she didn't even know her. No one was a greater person than Jemma... Except for her brother. I clenched my fists and opened my eyes.

Stark glared at me. "There's other people to save, Rogers. They need heroes. You can't just run off after a girl. The world needs us, needs you."

I sneered. "She needs me."

"When's the last time you even saw her?" Clint had stayed practically silent since Jemma arrived, so I was surprised that he even spoke up.

"The war. After we rescued Bucky, the night we created a team." I closed my eyes again, welcoming the memory. It had been a great evening, before she went to sleep and had that dream. "She was wearing a dress that matched Bucky's jacket, because they loved to match. She was making fun of us the whole evening. We drank a lot, probably too much, but it was worth it. So worth it. At one point..."

A soldier came up to the bar, standing beside a laughing Jemma. She turned to look at him and he smiled. His eyes looked over her, while mine watched Bucky's reaction. He'd always been protective of her. "Wanna dance, ma'am?"

She tilted her head and grinned politely. "No. Thank you, though. I think I'm okay here."

The man touched her arm, "No, I think we should dance. You're awful pretty."

Bucky clenched his fists. "She said no, pal."

I resisted the urge to enlace my fingers with his. Instead, I patted him on the back, standing up. "S'alright. I got it." I stood up, crossing my arms and making my face serious. If he wouldn't listen to anyone else, he'd listen to Captain America. Right? "Leave her alone."

The man tilted his head to meet my eyes. "Whatchya gonna do about it, Cap'n?"

Bucky's fists clenched even tighter. Seeing him angry made me even angrier, so I stepped forward. "Would you like me to tell the Colonel?"

The man smirked and rolled his eyes. "Sorry to break it to you, Captain, but he doesn't care if we flirt with your girlfriend."

Bucky tensed. "Not his girlfriend. But she is my sister, so back off."

"Or what?"

Jemma turned, smiling softly. The man's anger ceased at her flirtatious eyes, which gave her the perfect opportunity to speak up. "Or I'll sock ya myself."

The man rolled his eyes. "Sure you will, honey." He leaned in and...

Jemma punched him, resulting in Bucky's loud guffaw. His intense joy sparked pain in my chest. I loved hearing him laugh, especially when he's being obnoxious. I just wish I was the only one who made him that happy. Bucky looked at me, still laughing, but not as loudly. 

Before I could stop myself, I was laughing, too. I knew it was wrong. I was supposed to be the role model here, but this guy did deserve it.

Besides, I wasn't choosing to laugh. Laughter is caused when you're unable to contain your happiness. When I'm with Bucky, it's hard to ever contain my laughter. Happiness fills my body as soon as his eyes meet mine. Those blue eyes made my smile grow bigger every time.

Jemma glanced at us, suppressing a smirk. Her eyes shined with amusement for the first time in a year. "No means no, love. Keep your hands to yourself." Then, she took a drink of her beer like nothing had happened. He continued to stand there, mouth parted in shock. She waved him away and turned back to the bar. "Leave, bud." He slowly walked away, like he was in a daze.

Bucky and I continued to laugh as she smiled into her bottle. "Nice one, Jemma."

She winked, putting the bottle down as I sat. "What can I say? I just don't like bullies."

I forgot I was even talking as I remembered the fond moment. The words spilled from my mouth as I remembered the emotions I felt that day. "She made fun of me constantly. Bucky, too. God, they were so similar."

Clint interrupted me, "This Bucky guy?" I nodded, still remembering the smile I had had on my face. The pain knowing that they were both gone again. "Did you guys, well, it just seems like, was it more than a friendship really?"

I kept my eyes on the ground. I remembered the kisses, both of them. I had thought Bucky regretted them. We'd been drinking both times, and he always pulled back first. He'd always be so mad. But Jemma said he loved me, too... 

"I don't know. It was for me. But I don't know how he felt." I bit my lip and stood. They were gone. I'd have to accept that. I wouldn't be able to find Jemma, and Bucky was dead. He fell from the train, arm still reaching for me. "I failed him. I failed her."

"What?"

"I failed them. I failed them. I failed them." I remembered their eyes. I remembered kissing them both. The safety and reassurance that Jemma knew; the fear and ache in my chest that Bucky could never know. Oh, how I regretted that now. "I should've told him. I should've saved him. I should've stopped her." When she left again, Bucky's tears caused his own heartbreak to spread through his veins. But the way they made his eyes shone. They were the color of a summer night as it got darker. But he ignored how it mended his broken heart, so he could mend his best friend's. "I should've ignored him. I should've pretended that I never heard him." But I knew I didn't mean that. The good times outweigh the broken feeling in my heart immensely. "I shouldn't have watched that." I remembered the wretched, twisting feeling in my throat as he kissed the girl with red hair. Dolores was her name, but Bucky kept calling her...

"Dot," he murmured against her neck. She was giggling softly, and I knew I should look away, but I couldn't move. "Dolores." His lips were back on her mouth.

"Bucky," she giggled, opening her eyes. Their lips were millimeters apart, and I could feel my chest tightening. 

His eyes opened, too. "Yes, Dotty?"

"Win me something?" She finished her request with a loud kiss on his neck. I closed my eyes. My legs shook as I heard his chuckle. I opened my eyes and watched his reaction.

He wiggled his eyebrows, drawing my gaze to his eyes, like always. "A teddy bear?" His eyes held no love, but that was easy to ignore once you saw the lust. He was smirking as he brought his own lips to her neck.

"Perfect." I hated violence, but how I'd love to see Dolores crumble. How I could imagine it was my neck that Bucky was kissing. I could almost feel the arm that was always on my shoulders now on my hip as he pulled me closer. "Let's go." But they didn't move.

I sighed. I needed a cigarette. Bucky would never feel the same way about me. It was wrong to feel this way. I had so many problems with my health already; I didn't need to like boys, too. But, how could I not? I couldn't ignore the thoughts that shot through my mind each time Bucky rubbed my head. Every time he would grab my arm to pull me somewhere, it-

They ran by. This time, it was Dolores' arm that Bucky was pulling. I felt my heart drop as they both giggled wildly. Bucky glanced back to grin at her, so I stepped back, but it's not like he would notice me even if I didn't hide. 

We were best friends, but that didn't mean he was expected to stay by my side every second. Though, I'd have to find him soon. We were expected to ride home together, and my mom would be waiting up for us tonight. She always did, though she deserved her rest.

I had no one else to hang out with; Bucky was my only friend. So, I followed after Dolores and Bucky. They were holding hands as Bucky raced toward a game. I felt my heart shatter when she'd look up at him. It hurt worse when he was already glancing at her, though he wasn't as obvious.

I stared at the ground, only glancing up to make sure I wasn't losing them. But when I glanced up for the sixth time, someone was staring at me. Bucky. I blushed when I saw his crossed arms and smirk. His blue eyes were filled with amusement, but Dot's brown ones were filled with jealousy and annoyance. I almost flinched before Bucky spoke up. "What are you doing, Stevie?"

I still needed that cigarette. "Sorry. I didn't mean to-" Mean to what? Fall in love with the greatest boy I'd ever met? "Well, I didn't want to bother you guys, but well, I have to go soon." I saw Dot's annoyance increase as she pulled her hand from Bucky's and rolled her eyes. I blushed a deeper red.

"Oh no." His smirk turned into an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, Steve. I completely forgot."

I shook my head ferociously. "No, it's okay. We still have a little bit longer." I looked around, trying to find a quick and easy excuse to leave. "Hot dogs."

"What?"

"You two can go ahead. I'm gonna grab a couple hot dogs."

Bucky nodded. "Um, okay." He seemed unsure while he glanced between the food cart and me. He was always concerned about my health. Fights were something I couldn't avoid, but I wasn't good at winning, so Bucky worried. "Just don't forget that we still need money for our train."

I nodded before scurrying to the food cart, avoiding Dolores' eyes. She really was a nice girl. I was only able to speak to her a few times, but she made Bucky happy. Obviously. I was happy for them. I just didn't want to ruin what I already had with him. It wasn't worth losing him over. Sometimes only being friends is better.

"I could've made it to the ground from the train. If I could survive crashing into the ocean and being alive, then I would have survived that. I'm not sure what I really could've done that would help Bucky, but I should've tried harder." 

"Steve?"

I jumped. Then blushed when I realized I'd been lost in thought. All of those memories caused old feelings to resurface. Especially the moment when I realized I was in love with James Buchanan Barnes, my best friend. I had been sixteen years old. He was normal (perfect, in my opinion), so he obviously didn't return these feelings. Nothing was wrong with him. "Sorry. Wh- what?"

"Fury's back."

I ran from the room as soon as the words left his mouth. 

I could at least make sure she was okay. I could at least make sure that my mistake didn't ruin everything. I had to make sure that she could save herself, since I failed. I hoped if she couldn't that I'd still be forgiven. Bucky deserved better. He always had.

I realized then that Jemma had lied. She'd say Bucky loved me, too, but there's no way he did. She only said that to cheer me up. Bucky liked girls and only girls, because nothing was wrong with him. I had too many flaws. You weren't supposed to ever fall for your best friend, but even when they're gone, you can't seem to let them go.

The memories of us don't stop replaying in my head. They hurt even more each time, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. How his back-

No. I had to check on Jemma's health first.


	8. Ready to Comply

Jemma's Perspective

It was night and my eyes were beginning to drift closed. I wanted to keep walking, but my legs continued giving out. I tripped for the fourth time, so I decided to stop. I looked around, so I slowly climbed a tall tree. My legs hurt and my arms were shaking, but I couldn't risk vulnerability. I made it to a thick area of branches, so I settled in carefully. I prayed that I wouldn't move too much and fall, but I didn't worry about it too much. All I wanted to do was put my elbows under my head and sleep, so I did.

His metal fist connected with the red, white, and blue shield. Steve gritted his teeth. The Winter Soldier, Bucky, had a mask over his mouth. His eyes locked with Steve's for a millisecond.

How did Steve not realize it was him? 

He kicked him backwards, off the car. Steve immediately ducked behind his shield as he hit the ground. The Winter Soldier started shooting at Steve, who easily blocked the bullets. While the Winter Soldier reloaded, Steve kicked him. Then he knocked the gun from the soldier's hands.

They fought hand-to-hand, but this wasn't like when we were teenagers. This was real, making it hurt so much.

Neither of them recognized each other, or they would've stopped. There was too much love for each other to attempt murder. 

Steve flipped, letting go of the shield. Now, the Winter Soldier had full control of it. He knocked Steve backwards. They paused for a second, just looking at each other. Bucky's face, excluding his eyes, was hidden behind the shield. I thought they realized-

But, then Steve got up and ran toward the Winter Soldier, who then threw the shield. It stuck to the side of the van behind Steve when Steve turned sideways to dodge it.

Bucky pulled a knife, flipping it, before trying to stab Steve. He continued flipping it each time Steve almost grabbed it. Steve landed a punch to his face, and then jump-kicked his stomach. He kneed him against the van.

My heart tore in two. No one deserved to be happy together more than these two men, yet Hydra was destroying it. I knew I couldn't interfere, I never could in these dreams, but I wanted to stop them. I wanted to pull Bucky's mask off, to show Steve his mouth. The same mouth he had kissed before. 

Bucky's metal hand grabbed Steve's throat. I remembered a time that their hands had been entwined. I coughed, wanting to cry, but no tears escaped. The hand pulled him closer before shoving him back again. Steve quickly rolled away as Bucky's fist hitted the ground where Steve's head had just been. It dented the road.

They continued kicking each other, throwing punches. They were both great at fighting, though Steve seemed to have the upper hand this time. Things were different now.

Bucky pulled a knife again, kicking Steve against the van. Then, he brought the knife up, which he stabbed into the van where Steve's head had been. Steve dragged him across before picking him up and flipping backwards, slamming him into the ground. He jumped up immediately, grabbing his shield and trying to hit the Winter Soldier, who was already back on his feet. We were trained to not be on the ground; it was a weak position to fight in, and was to be avoided at all costs. 

Steve was able to grab Bucky's right arm as he tried to stab him once again. He blocked the attack with his shield and pulled the knife out of his hands. The Winter Soldier tried to take it back, to punch him, but Steve stabbed his side.

The Winter Soldier fell to the ground, despite his training. He looked at his side, then jumped up. Now, Natasha (and another unfamiliar man) were here. Steve punched The Winter Soldier's stomach. I screamed. That was Bucky, our Bucky. 

I sobbed as Natasha stood over the dying body. "I finally caught you," she raised the gun. 

He looked terrified as he raised his hand to protect himself. "No, please." His voice sounded high-pitched. He didn't sound like Bucky at all, so I knew Steve didn't recognize it. He was staring at the bridge above the street. "I'm sorry..." He was accepting his defeat. I saw Steve look back down, surprised. His apology had sounded sincere, to everyone. But that didn't stop Natasha from pulling the trigger.

Blood pooled from his head immediately as his hand fell to the ground. His head tilted and I screamed. Then I screamed again. 

This would happen in real life, so I'd have to be prepared to stop it. I couldn't let this happen.

I continued sobbing when I realized Bucky's eyes were still open. But now they were lifeless, dull. They'd never brighten again.

Steve kneeled to the ground. "Did you have to kill him?" His voice was emotionless as he reached for the mask. His fingers lingered on his cheeks as he stared into the eyes. "Shit."

"He deserved it," Natasha lowered her gun, staring at her victim.

"What?" The other man's voice was urgent while he questioned Steve's cursing.

"Shit, shit, shit." Steve's hand fell. He was still looking at his eyes. I gasped. Oh no.

"What, man? What's the problem?" The man crossed his arms, stiffening his spine.

Steve's eyes closed as he touched the mask again. Then he pulled it off with a sudden breath. He opened his eyes and dropped the mask. The tears fell as his bottom lip quivered. He reached forward. "No. No. No."

Natasha reached forward. "What?"

He ignored her, tracing Bucky's cheek with his knuckles.His shoulders began to shake as he leaned over the body. "Bucky, no. Please. No." He sobbed into Bucky's neck, wrapping both arms around the lifeless form. Then he screamed. His eyes were swollen, red. "This can't be real." He pulled away,bringing Bucky with him. He laid his head on his own lap. 

"Do you know him?"

Steve rocked back and forth, slowly. Then nodded. "Bucky."

The man held no recognition of the name, but Natasha tilted her head. "That girl who came to the tower once, that was his sister. Right?"

Steve started to sob again. "This is all my fault. I should've looked for him. But, now, he's really gone. Because of me. I failed them both. He deserved so much better than this. He should've been happy. He should've been able to find a nice girl," he choked, "years ago. Someone who deserved him. Not me." He pulled Bucky even closer, if possible. "I'm so sorry, Bucky. I love you so much. I wish I could've told you when you were able to hear me."

I clutched my chest. There was a sharp pain in my heart every time I breathed in. I looked at Bucky, at the pool of blood on the ground, his blood, at Steve's heartbreak that was evident at just a glance, at Natasha who looked a tinge guilty, and at the man who I didn't know. If not for him, I may have played this off as a nightmare, but I didn't know the man. So, this would happen. Eventually.

The sharp pain increased. Steve was mumbling against Bucky's cheek. His tears mixed with the blood. "I guess this is the end of the line. Isn't it, pal?"

I kneeled beside them, holding my chest. My heartbeat was erratic, and I tried to calm my breathing to decrease the pain in my heart. I wiped my eyes quickly and reached toward Bucky.

Before I could actually touch him, Steve's hand grabbed my wrist. I gasped. His grip was tight and only got tighter when I tried to move. Bucky's blood had been on his hands, so now it dripped onto my arm. I froze, staring at it. I'd seen Bucky's blood many times; we'd always been with each other when we got hurt. I saw Bucky's head hit the ground from the top of my vision. I flinched, closing my eyes. Steve pulled my wrist, causing me to flinch again.

"This. Is. All. Your. Fault." His tone was full of anger, hate. I'd never expected to hear that from him, not directed to me at least. "You were supposed to save him. But you didn't. What kind of sister are you?" I looked at the ground, at Bucky, who was dead. Who was going to be dead. Because of me. This means I wasn't going to save him. "I hate you so fucking much. You need to leave. Bucky deserves more than your fake sadness. You guys may have the same blood," he glanced at my wrist, "but you're not siblings. You knew you couldn't save him alone, but you wouldn't let me come. I should've known you lied." Then he let go of my wrist and looked back at Bucky. He forced out a laugh. "You are a good spy, Jemma. You had us fooled. In the end, though, you were just a traitor." He punched the ground. "Leave now. And if I ever see you again, I'll make you regret it." I didn't move, just sat in shock. I knew he was in love with Bucky. But they all looked different now. This had to be a while from now. His love lasted this long? He grabbed Bucky's hands, one metal, one real, yet both cold, and collapsed onto Bucky's chest. 

I woke up. My heart was racing, the beat pounding in my head. I blinked slowly and bit my tongue. If my dream really was a see into the future, would Steve hurt me? I should've told him. I should've let him come with me.

But Fury was right. There's nothing Steve wouldn't do for Bucky. I'd seen it before. If Steve knew Bucky was alive, he wouldn't stop until he reached him. They always saved each other, so this time wouldn't be any different.

I looked around. It was still dark out, but I could see the sun beginning to rise. I leaned against the trunk of the tree, closing my eyes. I thought about what I'd do when I got there? Would I fight my way in, or fake innocence? Though I'd hate to do it, I could blame my escape on Edward. No matter what excuse I had to use, I had to get them out. Jerome, who only stayed because of me. They would've never hurt him so much if he wouldn't have fallen for me. And Bucky, who I brought there to begin with. Bucky, who was so in love with his best friend and never got to tell him. And myself. I had to save myself. Jerome and Bucky were my top priorities, but I had to try to get out. If I couldn't, then I couldn't. But, I'd shoot myself before I let them capture me again. I couldn't keep coming back. I'd have to move on. I'd have to protect who I could. You can't save everyone. Not always.

I thought of Bucky again, remembering. We were always together, but he'd met Steve long before I did. And he'd never told me. I wonder if my mom knew, or my dad. My mom had looked like she knew the day we brought him home for the first time. At least, that I knew of. Maybe she did know. Maybe I was the only one who didn't. I should've, though. Not because they should've trusted me enough to tell me, but because I should've been smart enough to figure it out.

I'd always sort of known, but how could I really have figured it out? Boys weren't supposed to like boys, and though, I'd love them both no matter what, I didn't know they could love each other. Liking the same gender was an illness. You weren't supposed to do it, unless you were sick. But, Steve's serum- it was supposed to cure all of his illnesses. He was healthy now, better than ever. Better than anyone had expected. But he still loved Bucky. So, it really wasn't an illness. He really was in love.

I knew then that I could never leave this base again until I had Bucky with me. I'd never find Steve again until I was able to bring him his Bucky. Because no one deserved to be happier than them. I thought again of how they never got to be together. Not really. How they were too scared to tell each other how they truly felt. How they both thought their kiss meant nothing to the other. I realized then that I hadn't really been Steve's first kiss, but I was genuinely glad that it could be Bucky. They deserved that much at least.

I climbed down from the tree, my back sore from the hardness of the branch where I slept all night. I began walking again, quickly. I tried to clear my mind, to only think of getting to the base. I cleared my emotions. I cleared the pain away, the guilt, the loneliness. It was all gone. I couldn't show it anymore. No happiness, no sadness, no anger. Only compliance. Compliance, compliance, compliance. Ready to comply. Ready to do whatever it takes to save the people I love the most. For good, this time.


	9. Trigger Words

I saw the base. A run down building that almost looked like the house I grew up in as a child. With Bucky. The one where my parents were killed. I remembered the wonderful moments I had spent there as a daughter, a sister. 

My family wasn't the greatest, but they were all I had. My parents loved us, but it was unclear sometimes if they loved each other. They seemed happy when we were kids, but they wouldn't have fought in front of us. Except once.

I walked across the hall to Bucky's room (his name was on the door). My steps were silent, though you wouldn't have heard them over my parents' yells anyway.

I knocked lightly, not sure if Bucky would even be able to hear me. The door opened immediately. Bucky's eyes were red. "Jemma," my name came out as a sigh as he let me in.

"Can I sleep in here?" We hadn't slept in the same bed since we were little kids. Now, we were seventeen.

"Of course. Yeah. I was just gonna come to your room."

I sat down on his bed and he shut the door. Their voices still came through. We sat beside each other without saying anything.

"You're never home! These kids have hardly seen you since you joined the army. I know you have training sometimes, but that is no excuse to abandon us!" I'd never heard my mom so angry.

"I haven't abandoned you! I'm still here. I'm the one who has to make money around here." My dad was yelling, too, but not as loud. Not as angry.

"They've never fought like this before," Bucky's voice was small.

I didn't acknowledge his comment. "This is the kind of thing that makes me scared."

"Scared of what?"

I closed my eyes, welcoming the darkness. I loved only seeing black sometimes, but it made my hearing better. I opened them. "Scared of love."

"Why?"

"Because someone can fall out of love with you as quick as they fell in. Because even though someone once loved you doesn't mean they always will."

"That's part of why I want to fall in love, though, Jemma. You have to trust people. Or really, you have to trust that one person. I think it's beautiful."

I shook my head. "If our own parents can't stay in love, how are we supposed to? I always thought they loved each other more than anything, but apparently, even they won't last."

"Will you stop?" He snapped. His patience that he had before was gone. 

I froze. "What's it matter?" He didn't say anything, just looked at me. I looked back, trying to find the problem. His eyes were glazed with... love? "Do, are," I paused, trying to find the right words, "What are you hiding from me?"

"Nothing!"  
"You love someone."

"What?" He leaned back, away from me. "No I don't."

I heard my mom yell louder, but I ignored it. "Then why are you defending it so much? It's terrifying, Buck!"  
"Well..." he glanced around the room. "Who cares if I love someone anyway?"

"I do!" I grabbed his hand. "You're my brother. I deserve to at least know who you're in love with." He tried to pull away slightly. "So, tell me. Who's your secret girlfriend?" He tensed.

"It's not- no one. It's no one, Jemma."

I pulled away, now angry. The fact that Bucky was hiding something from me and the fact that my parents wouldn't quit fighting was driving me insane. My life felt like it was falling apart. Little did I know, it only got worse from here.

I stood up, crossing my arms and glaring at Bucky. "How could you possibly even have a girlfriend?"  
"I don't have a girlfriend."

"Then who do you love? Because you only hang out here or with Steve, and it's obviously not either of us."

His hands turned into fists. "Right."

"So, you aren't going to tell me."

"I can't." He gestured toward the sound of our parents, though I wasn't sure why. "Besides, I don't think it's really love. I think I'm just confused."

"I can't believe you don't trust me, Bucky."

I expected him to deny it. He should've denied it. He'd never kept something from me before. What had changed? "I can't tell you who it is, Jemma."

I left the room. When I stepped into the hallway, I looked into my parents' room. With my own fighting, I hadn't realized our parents were no longer fighting. I saw my dad sitting on their bed, crying. He was alone. I heard footsteps downstairs. Before he could notice me, I quickly opened Bucky's door again. "I'm still mad at you, but I need you to go downstairs and talk to mom."

He was standing as soon as the words left my mouth. "You're gonna talk to dad?"

I nodded and stepped back to walk into the hallway. Bucky grabbed me, immediately pulling me against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and put his chin on my head. "I'm so sorry, Jemma. Truly.

I shrugged, hugging him back. "It's going to be okay. I'm sorry, too."

He kissed my hair roughly and then stepped away. "Let's go."

So, we talked to our parents. But, I couldn't get the fact that Bucky didn't trust me out of my mind. My main question was if he had told Steve.

I laughed lightly at the memory. I had zoned out, staring at the base. I knew now that it was Steve that Bucky was in love with all those years. Because I knew who he was in love with, I also knew why. Boys liking boys (and girls liking girls) wasn't healthy. But Bucky had always seemed fine to me. No one knew he liked Steve, so no one thought he was "sick." I wish they could've really been together.

Then I grinned. Now that I was here, I could bring Bucky to Steve. They could finally be together. That thought erased my fear. Partially. I just wanted them both to have a happy ending. I wanted to save Jerome, too. I had to save everyone. I couldn't leave without them all. I just hoped I could get them all to leave me if they had to. I couldn't leave without them, but they'd have to be ready to leave without me.

So, I stepped out from my sanctuary of trees. I raised my arms as I walked toward the base. I knew they were watching for me. I knew they were about to send my best friends to come find me and bring me back. I knew they'd be coming any second.

The doors opened. And here they came.

But there was no Bucky. There was no Jerome. Only guards. This only meant that they'd be bringing me inside. To their boss. Maybe I could pretend to still be brainwashed. It worked the first time, so it was worth a try.

"Soldier Winter. What are you doing?"  
I would hate myself for saying this, but I couldn't think of another excuse. "Guard, the guard. Edward. He took me. He said I had to go. I didn't know what to do. When you guys shot him, I got scared and ran."

"We have to bring you to the boss, Soldier."

I nodded solemnly. "Okay. I understand."

They both grabbed one of my arms and started walking me inside. One of them smirked and told me, "Your boy toy's worried about you."

"Jerome?"

They nodded. "Yeah. He flipped out when they said you were gone. So did the Winter Soldier."

I flinched. Did he know who I was now? "We do go on a lot of missions together."

They laughed, because they thought I didn't really know why Bucky could possibly know who I am. "Right. That's definitely the only reason he cares about you."

My heart dropped. Why couldn't they let us know that we were siblings? Was it really that much of a problem? "What are you talking about?"

"Nothing."

We made it to the elevators, which was silent the whole ride. We walked out and into the conference room, which was filled with people. Hydra. My palms began to sweat as the guards let go of my arm to close the doors. "Soldier Winter, you've returned!" His voice always sounded like he was excited.

I nodded silently.

"That's good. I was beginning to worry that we'd have to come find you ourselves."

I tried to maintain eye contact. "I didn't mean to cause any problems."

"No need. Guard Edward is gone, yes?"

I tried to hide my emotions as I nodded. "Yes. He was shot and died instantly."

"Good. Well, since we don't need them to leave, they could at least have a reunion!" The man clapped wildly, so everyone followed. I stood there blankly. "Let them in!"

"Jemma?"

I whipped around, my heat soaring. "Jerome." I jumped into his arms. He looked a little stronger, but really pale. He pulled me tightly against him. I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"You're okay."

"I'm okay."

"I was so scared."

"I'm okay," I repeated.

"I love you so much, Jem."

"I love you too, Jer."

"Okay lovebirds. That's enough in front of us."

I immediately pulled away, locking eyes with Bucky. The Winter Soldier. I thought of Steve and had to suppress a grin. "James?"

He pulled me into a hug. "I was worried, too." His metal arm was still at his side. "I don't know why."

My heart broke. "We're partners, Buck- y."

I wanted to tell him about Steve. I wanted to tell him how much Steve missed him, loved him. I wanted to tell him I loved him, too. I wanted to grab him and Jerome and run.

But I couldn't. Not yet.

Jerome and I had our own "room" beside Bucky's. We were lying beside each other silently when he asked me the true story of what happened, why I was really gone.

I kept my voice to a hushed whisper. I couldn't let anyone else see. "Edward knew people on the outside. He died and told me where to go. I found a team. Heroes."

"Who?"

I mumbled Steve's name against Jerome's chest.

"Bucky's Steve?"

"Yeah. And it turns out he loves Bucky, too."

"Why'd you come back, Jemma?'

I flinched and sat up. "What the-"

He grabbed my hand. "You should've stayed with Steve. You don't deserve to be stuck here."

"Neither do you," I retorted. "Or Bucky."

"We aren't worth this."

"Yes. You. Are." I huffed. "I couldn't just leave you here." I leaned against the cement wall. This was a cell, not a room. No matter what they told us. "Besides, I couldn't live with Steve. Not when I knew that Bucky was in here. If he found out, he'd never forgive me."

"You could've told him."

I shook my head. "No. He would've come here and got captured, too. This is for the best." I kissed his forehead. "We have to get out of here."

"I know. But how?"

"I don't know yet."

The next morning Bucky woke us up with his screams. He said he remembered falling off a train. He said there was another boy. He said he saw us there, too. He thought it was just a dream, so Jerome and I went along with it.

But, they knew it really meant that Bucky was remembering.

So, they wiped us. Again.

Betrayal. I thought of all of the people I had hurt.

Oblivion. How I was destined to be wiped when I began to remember things again.

Drowning. Water down my throat, up my nose, in my lungs. No breathing.

Return. All of the times I was gone, but came back.

Sixteen. I sacrificed my freedom at sixteen. I was sixteen when Hydra first made me these trigger words; when they first tried to mold me into the perfect soldier.

Slave. I listened and obeyed them, and only them.

Nine. Hydra had nine heads.

Selfless. They knew I'd always put the ones I cared about above my own life.

Four. Though I was one of the first people actually experimented on, I wasn't considered a part of the Winter Soldier yet. Therefore, I was the fourth one worked on with that end result in mind.

Orphan. How they found me. Who I was when they got me in their control. 

Now I was ready to comply. The thoughts behind each word still clouded my mind. "Soldier Winter." He stood in front of me.

"Winter Soldier." He stood in front of my mission partner.

"Doctor Lucas." The doctor. Jerome. My love. I knew that much, but nothing else. How did I really know him?

"Are you guys tired?" No one replied. "Well, hopefully you are."

"We'll see you in a few years."

And suddenly it was too cold.


End file.
